Little Foxes
Today I woke up with two small ideas: it should be "weak jasmine," in the teacup tanka, and that the poem drawn from the Book of Wisdom could be called "The Book of Changing."
I fussed a little about the tanka: James thought it was "very sweet," whereas it was supposed to be chilly. Maybe "straining weak jasmine"? Or is that too much? Then I fussed about the new title: isn't the I Ching also called TheBook of Changes? If so, will the allusion's influence hurt the poem?
Then I spent about an hour doing line readings of "Systems of Knowledge," and changed six line breaks, two words, and a comma.
Some days all these little things seem so trivial.
Beware the foxes,
the little foxes,
the ones that spoil the vineyard.
Bother. I long for the days when I worked with nice tangible elementary particles.
4 Comments
I thought the first version of the tanka was best. The “pale jasmine” is good because it hints at things like “O rare pale Margaret”—slightly Tennysonian, suggesting romance. The happiness or love —choice— gives a charming feel to the poem at first reading, but on reflection leads you to ask why. So it’s “sweet” on first tasting but has a delayed, but quite chilly, aftertaste. The whole has a feeling of rightness that I don’t think it would have with the “straining weak jasmine.” IMHO.
Oh, and I think it’s clear that there’s a choice being offered between happiness and love, as though you can’t have both, or even that one precludes the other. It works for me; not a sweet poem, but bittersweet.
I’d vote for “pale jasmine” as well. “Weak” isn’t nearly so lyrical an adjective, and “pale” does suggest coldness (at least to me). “Pale jasmine” rolls off the tongue, too, in a way the other doesn’t.
trust me, you don’t miss those days one bit.
aerogel is too hydroscopic