Ezekiel and the Bones (revised)
I came then to the bone plain,
heaped bones endless and dry, so dry,
the sand hissed against them
with a sound like cymbals.
Prophesy, cried the angel. What
could I say? I stuttered: Listen, listen.
Elohim crouched like storm cloud,
uncovered His face and cried aloud.
It hollowed me. I thought the world
had lost all sound. But then -- a click
of pebbles falling, a patter
like a sudden rain. From the yellow plain
a choking dust rose up, and the jumble
shuddered as a mare shakes
to free herself from flies. And
then a voice -- mouthless, throatless,
roaring like the sea. Elohim stopped
my ears. The dead may speak
with tongues you should not hear,
He said. They may accuse me.
___________
I have a feeling that this one is gonna get me smoted. smited.
smitten.
4 Comments
The image of the pebbles falling like rain is particularly powerful, and reminds me of the rain like silver dollars in your poem “The Greening.”
I like seeing a poem in different stages. This version is much tighter. It sounds more like your voice too.
I’m horrible at revising…and to actively watch how someone can effectively do it is always fascinating to me. I studied with Pushcart Prize winner, Laurie Lamon, and she was always telling me that I should cut half of my poems up—she would point out “this is where the poem starts…” and it would be halfway into the piece. It’s funny, when I look at your original and see the revision, I can nearly hear her voice saying the same thing, and she was right (and so were you in the revising). I need to pay more attention to this very thing in my own works but alas, serious poetic weakness on my part.
Better that the mare shakes from the jumble than the yellow plains. The removal of the first line is good—it was too shocking for the rest of the piece, I think. It detracted from what you were trying to convey.
Nothing like being a bit smitten, or wait, smoted… ;)
I believe the word is excommunicated :)